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Why a ‘Come Dine With Me’ Game Would Never Work…

A game based off the smash Channel 4 television show, Come Dine With Me? Absurd. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

Well, no-one has. It’s Tuesday, our least favourite day of the week, and we’re catching up with the programme on More 4. Literally counting down the hours until we die…

Cooking games are crap anyway. There’s no place for cooking in gaming. Personally – and I haven’t got a blind frigging clue why – I’m addicted to the poorly-edited US version of Hell’s Kitchen. And – again, I haven’t got a blind frigging clue why – my interest was tickled when I heard there was going to be a Wii version of the smash ITV 2 television show.

Corks, it was terrible. Unsurprisingly. A game based off Hell’s Kitchen? Absurd. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

Hell's KitchenYou’ve only gone and burnt the fucking cornflakes, you stupid fucking bitch

Cooking Mama was probably the closest that cooking has ever come to being fun, apart from the fourth level in PaRappa the Rapper. And even that wasn’t about cooking, it was about a dog and a chicken on her blob making a fish cake of some sorts. Even cooking in cutscenes is boring – I’m thinking specifically of that weird kid born of Olga in Metal Gear 4, shouting out numbers while breaking eggs like a proper bad biff.

But a Come Dine With Me game, where four players can participate and download their own menu, competing against each other whilst giving secret ratings? Don’t be soft.

Couldn’t find a picture of the chicken, so here’s PaRappa and his frog mate. Seriously doubt he survived the recession.

Even in a social media context, where Facebook friends can partake on a weekly basis with scores refreshing every Monday, while hilarious Dave Lamb quips pop up on screen? Please…

Or an iPhone app that pits you against everyone else in the world, with a massive competitive leader board, where you upload photos of your own meals and let the world judge for themselves? Preposterous…

Yep, a Come Dine With Me game could never work. Ever. And if any of the above ideas show up any time soon then we demand royalties for being bored and turning a formulaic TV brand into a worldwide social gaming phenomenon.

Royalties? Absurd. Why would you even suggest such a thing…

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