We’re all for innovation, and are going to be keeping a solid eye on how Nintendo’s 3DS performs over the coming weeks and months. No doubt it’ll soar to number one in the hardware charts the second it’s released, but as has happened with the Wii, we’re also sure that there’ll be a slew of third-party shite out sooner rather than later for it, intent on clogging up shop shelves.
So, while everyone’s being all positive and lovely-dovey about the 3DS, we want to rain on its parade a bit with some outlandish theories and wild accusations about some of Nintendo’s core titles, and how crap they may potentially be without any evidence at all to back ourselves up. Take heed readers – below are the five franchises that we think would look terrible on Nintendo’s new pride and joy:
Metroid Prime: Hunters/Any Metroid FPS
Metroid Prime: Hunters was a fantastic addition to the DS library, and developers Nintendo Software Technology did a great job at slimming down the Prime Gamecube series onto a handheld, making it accessible and fun to play. But even then, there was so much going on in-game and on screen that Hunters could break your thumbs and give you a pounding headache for the rest of the day when you put it down. Imagine that in 3D – though it admittedly sounds fantastic, it may be a step too far for the series and cause loyal followers to throw up all over the carpet. Now, a side-scrolling, original Metroid story – a wee bit like Metroid: Other M. That’s an idea worth some salt…
Again, as above, a 3D sidescroller would be friggin’ boss. But despite the recent success of Lords of Shadow, the terrors of Castlevania 64 never leave my dreams, and haunt me in the evenings like so many Frankenstein’s monsters, werewolves and whatever else. My worry is that a third-person Castlevania in 3D, not handled with the utmost care and respect, would be as agonising as having two fat, hairy balls straining under the torment of weeks of unreleased jizm.
CONTROVERSIAL, EH? I like the concept of WarioWare and played a couple of them, but was never a massive fan that would knock the teeth out of any kid on the playground who ever slighted it. It was casual fun, but I never took to it (it wasn’t as easy to digest or as tasty as heroin). Try as I might, I can’t imagine what benefits WarioWare being in 3D would bring to the table. Sure there would be a couple of cool 5-second games here and there, but nothing the series hasn’t seen before. It would be more of the same, and nothing more than a spit-shine instead of real innovation. Which brings me onto…
Wow, Pokemon Black and White are finally on the shelves. Wow, more sprites and catching things. I’m so bleeding bored of Pokemon in its current inception. Unless there’s a massive graphical overhaul and an injection of something that sets it apart from all the other countless entries in the series then it simply isn’t worth doing one. What would it be? Spinning Pokeballs jumping out at you? A little bit more depth to the sprites? Fix it. Unless the next Pokemon has incredible 3D character models and breathtaking animation then I’m keeping my money in my pocket.
Mario Paint Fly Swatter Game
Mario Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaint! Hwwwaaaaarrrhhh!!