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Why Metal Gear 5 Will Suck MASSIVE Dick

Why Metal Gear 5 Will Suck MASSIVE Dick

Why Metal Gear 5 Will Suck MASSIVE Dick

That bastard Hideo Kojima depressed me no-end yesterday, when Eurogamer published a direct quote of his from an interview he recently gave to Official Playstation Magazine.

“I think we’ll probably have to make it [a sequel to MGS4] at some point, but what that will be, we have no idea.”

I cried. I turned on the oven and jammed my head deep inside, hoping the fumes would claim me and send me to the glorious kingdom of light. When that didn’t work, I fled to the main road outside, flinging myself in front of oncoming traffic, wanting a speeding vehicle to crash into my body and snuff my pathetic little life.

When that didn’t happen, I clambered over the flaming car wreckage in front of me back inside my house, and lamented just how much dick Metal Gear 5 will suck. Because make no mistake about it, Metal Gear 5 WILL suck fat dicks – dicks with all cheese and smegma collected underneath the bell and that.

Hideo Kojima discusses the possibility of Metal Gear 5

Read between the lines. Even Hideo Kojima’s bored with Metal Gear: “As far as my involvement in the project is concerned, [it] probably won’t be as much as it was with MGS1 – maybe I can do just one stage!” he said.

“For MGS1 I made the maps myself, laid out the enemy routes myself, did everything hands-on – that level I can’t do again.”

Metal Gear Solid is a SPENT FORCE, people. It’s sucked the very life out of the stealth genre to the point where gamers are bored stiff with it. My justification for such wild, baseless claims? Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.

Metal Gear 4 was the most complicated, cutscene-heavy, boring, tear-inducing slog of a game I’ve ever played in my life. In fact, there was very little game in Metal Gear 4. The majority of it was convoluted plot skewers and unsavoury combat drills from beginning to end, broken up by rinse-and-repeat boss fights from Metal Gear Solid on the PS1. And this is an opinion coming from a Metal Gear fan!

Vamp and Raiden - Metal Gear 4

Metal Gear 4 wasn’t a game. It was fan-service designed to tie up loose ends and wrap up the story in a neat little package. The trade-off for that was gameplay. Short, spiky levels overrun by lengthy cutscenes in an effort to justify all the directions the Metal Gear series had taken and why. If it exhausted me watching and playing it all, then God knows how Kojima must have felt producing it. Even he sounds fed-up with the idea of a new Metal Gear romp.

Metal Gear 4 wasn’t all bad, don’t get me wrong. Fighting Shouty Wolf or whatever she was called in the snow was an immense experience, and I bust a gut laughing at Raiden stopping a boat with his feet. But that also highlights the only direction Metal Gear 5 could ever go in, especially if Hideo Kojima doesn’t want a hands-on role. It can only go beyond the absurd.

Remember, Metal Gear 4 had you dealing with vampires doped up on nanomachines and all that jazz. What next? A new development team would no doubt want to stamp their mark with something ludicrous, or even go so far as to dilute the formula. Tower defence in Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, anyone?

This is a personal, heartfelt plea. Pleeeeease let Metal Gear die. Though I didn’t understand half of what was going on in Metal Gear 4, I felt at the end that it was a satisfactory conclusion, and a good way to watch Snake sail off into the sunset. Making Metal Gear 5 would shit all over that fan service, and be made for nothing other than profit.

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