We were playing Alan Wake over the weekend, and couldn’t help but notice just how plain and ordinary-looking Alice Wake was. Plus she’s petrified of the dark, leading us to believe that Alan put a ring on the first thing he saw – or, in the immortal words of Mrs. Merton: “So, Alice, what first attracted you to the millionaire Alan Wake?”
Alice Wake is clearly punching above her weight. And in the spirit of being a horrible bunch of bell-ends, we’ve compiled another five gaming wives who should pinch themselves for being lucky enough to have husbands with dreadful self esteem.
5: Abigail Marston – Red Dead Redemption
Now it might be the effects of the ol’ dusty trail, boy howdy, or a poor conversion over to the PS3, but we got more wood from our horse’s hitching post than when looking at Abigail Marston. It was probably the let down of playing Red Dead for 30 hours to be greeted by an old pro who could rough it with the best of them and ruin every stew she made that tipped us over the edge. Or maybe we’re being unkind – the fashions she was wearing were pretty current for a young woman in 1911, after all…
Whatever the reason, Abigail Marston does nothing for us. And a maverick gunslinger like you, John Marston, could have any woman in the west.
4: Sindel – Mortal Kombat
We’re talking about Mortal Kombat 3 Sindel here. Though played by the lovely Lia Montelongo in real life motion capture terms, the in-game character herself is an absolute misery guts.
Not content with being (forcibly) married to the emperor of Outworld, she makes a point of dressing herself up in 70s Kiss make up and a rock-and-roll wig – to be seen out in public in. And you wouldn’t know she was unhappy or anything, she only screams at the top of her lungs all the time. The miserable cow – exactly what you don’t want to come home to after taking over another dimension.
Come on Shao, you can have the pick of any woman across two whole realms. Stop selling yourself short, son!
3: Nicole Brennan – Dead Space
Dead Space’s Nicole Brennan is everything a butch plain Jane should aspire to be. An astronaut working on a mining ship who whines and nags and moans to our courageous hero, Issac Clarke. Strong, handsome and brave, he has to traverse a desolate ship, battling off one hideous mutation after another in an attempt to reach her.
And how does she repay him? By attacking him just before the credits roll. An utter minger in every sense of the word.
2: Alex Curran
Steven Gerrard’s in the FIFA and Football Manager series. Which makes her a fictional computer game wife. Who is punching above her weight. So there.
1: Sunny Funny
We assume that after PaRappa settles down with Sunny Funny at the end of the second game that they get married, have kids and the whole shebang. PaRappa doesn’t seem to realise though that he’s going out with a flower. Christ, PaRappa, you may be desperate but c’mon – this isn’t even interspecies love here. It’s trans… trans… we can’t even find a word in the dictionary to describe a dog shacking up with a flower.
Plus she’s as plain and ordinary as anybody’s business. So well done Sunny Funny for turning PaRappa’s head and making him get a day job – he’s ditched his dreams of stardom for someone who thinks it’s OK for her dress to clash with her hair colour, but walks off every time he complains about her making noodles for the third day in a row.